Captain Me Planet

Am I the only one who thinks that Broke Back Mountain sweeping the Oscar nominations is completely ridiculous? Is it representative of how that movie actually performed in the theaters and the movie goers response? Or does everyone in Hollywood truly think the world revolves around them? Oh. Dumb question.

Southern U.S. A woman has found the cure to an as of yet, un-named virus. It appears that a precisely measured concoction of Cabernet, Nyquil and ibuprofen carries the ability to boost the body’s immune system, and relieve symptoms, while killing the virus itself. The woman, a housewife and mother of 3, who wishes to remain unidentified, reports she awoke Monday morning with the uncomfortable symptoms. “I just couldn’t sleep no more. My neck and shoulders were all achy, I couldn’t eat, and I had this big ol’ stye in my eye.” After spending the day in and out of bed, she says her husband, a cook for the chain restaraunt Staxx, offered to go to the grocery. “Well, she hadn’t brushed her hair, or teeth or nothing, and I could see she was thirsty, and well, we were out of juice,” he explained. Upon arriving at the store, he called for further instruction. “I told him we needed some saltines, some OJ, a case of Diet Rite cola, and some Cabernet,” she elaborated, “and some macaroni and cheese, that box kind, for the kids.” Upon arrival, the husband just opened the wine, and administered freely, until the woman felt it was time for the other pieces of the key trio to be ingested. “Oh, about after an hour or so, I was feeling a bit perkier, so I says to my husband to get the Nyquil, and go ahead and throw in some ibuprofen”, she states. And, he did. The following morning, the symptoms were gone. “It’s a miracle,” the husband reports, “a true miracle. I had to miss work yesterday, and she really wasn’t no site for sore eyes.” It seems the exact amounts of the key ingredients are 3.2 four ounce pours of Cabernet, 2 tablespoons of Nyquil, and 2 generic ibuprofen. Although, doctors consulted speculate that any red wine, or over the counter cold and flu remedy would be just as effective. As for his part in the discovery, the husband just states, “shoot, all I had to do was keep her glass full.”

My bum’s a tooter gun!
-Private Three