What’s the problem?
This schooling the children at home comes back to me. Ultimately. The buck stops with the Captain. The Colonel can weigh in, and does. But daily, I’m in the trenches with the privates, and have my finger on the proverbial pulse of that they are doing. What they need. How to help them. Their strengths and weaknesses. Or, at least, I should.
Often I do. Feel confident. Good about our direction. We’re banging on all cylinders. But then there are the things I’m just not sure about. That involve more prayer. More trust. More angst, really. These are the things I want an expert to tell me about. Somebody to swoop in and and say here. Do this. This will work in this way, at this time schedule. Yet, this person never materializes. Or better yet, when she does, out of the recesses of my psyche, she is often trumped by the loudly whispering skeptic that’s also lurking in there. Nooooo, no no. That will never do. This kid needs more than that. You need to get her tested. Maybe she has an LD. She probably has something going on you can’t handle. All children should be able to (fill in the blank) by age (whatever you want).
We have a daughter who is so bright. So beautiful. Don’t we all? At 8, she is an artist. A problem solver. A puzzle master. Quick with Dad’s tools, and the concepts of simple engineering. A peace maker. An eager helper. Also an expert brother torture-er. An animal lover. Math whiz. Lego builder. Horse rider. She is so many things to be proud of, pleased with. But what am I doing as her teacher mother? Against all the books that tell me otherwise, the so-called experts to whom I look, I am beginning to have angst over her lack of desire to want to read more fluently. Does it trouble me that her 2 years-her-senior brother is not on level in math? Nope. He’ll get it. We’ve actually done that on purpose. But when the 5 year old started telling her words she can’t seem to figure out, at least not easily or readily, I started to get that niggling worry. Should we be doing something else. How can we help. What am I to do to make it better. Does it need to be made better?
She has basic phonics down. Most of the time. I see improvement when we practice regularly. She’s technically in the second grade, and probably proficient on a first grade level. Can muddle through grade 2 readers. But she really is just not into reading much. I cannot determine if she is not into it, because it doesn’t come simply and quickly, or if it does not come simply and quickly because she is not into it. Chicken? Egg? She doesn’t want to read with me often. She wants me to read to her, but not with her. She is not that keen on working it out herself. An occasional ‘d’ becomes a ‘b’ and vice versa. But not all the time. When she reads a word, works it out, it may or may not stick in her brain. It seems to stick like glue in the boy’s brains. Not that I’m comparing my children. I would never, of course. It makes no nevermind to me that once the boys began piecing words together, the entire world became something to read, while she’s content to see letters as gibberish all over the place. Nope. No worries about that at all. She will say from time to time, I wish I could read better, and when I offer to work with her, usually just get a naaaah. This is where my dilemma comes in. Do I push? Do I relax? Is there an underlying problem, or is this just equivalent to her big brother and his math. When she’s ready, she’ll a-go-go? Are the books right on this too? Which ones? The ones that say wait, or the ones that say definite problematic LD? Can she really suddenly become fluent at say, age 12, and it’ll seem she’s been reading steadily all along? Or if I wait that long to see, will I miss some critical developmental stage that will leave her at a disadvantage all the rest of her could-have-been-pleasant reading days? Is this just a case of some people having certain strengths and interests, and others holding different ones? She’s just not a huge fan of reading? Lord knows I don’t like math. I am not an artist. I’m definitely not some engineer. We all have gifts, right?
What is it about this so-called delay that has me irked. Is it our societal rule that even pre-schoolers need to be knowing their phonics before entry into the next K class? Is it these read to a kid PSAs? We’ve always read to her. Kept interesting books around. Taken her to the library. Can you make someone a reader who really doesn’t have that interest originally? And should I if I can? Obviously she needs to become proficient, but after that, there’s a vast array of options for how far, or how not far, she may go with it. She just may never get it when I tell her my favorite ever thing to do (by myself, that is) is to crawl under the covers with a great book on a cold and rainy day, and stay there till I find out who did it. Other people don’t get it, so why should I mind if she doesn’t?
Because she is mine. Because maybe deep down, that’s just when we have the hardest time being fair. Non-discrimnatory. We want our own to understand us deeply, and for us to return the feeling in kind. And when they come out of the womb their own little person, and continue to grow in the way they should go, and we don’t quite get it, it’s unnerving. Even as we realize it is only our place to help them along the way. Not create clones of ourselves. It’s really hard sometimes. My husband’s not a big reader. Oh, he can of course. But it’s not his prime choice of leisure activities. But I didn’t raise him. So I can’t be responsible for his flaws (Ha.). This girl I’m in charge of. Can’t I just make her into what I see fits? No.
So the dilemma becomes this. Figure out what makes her tick. And what doesn’t. Help her become proficient in what her life will need proficiency in, but not too early as to make it tortuous and difficult. Introduce these things at the right time, with the just right amount of nudging. But do not be over bearing. Help her challenge herself, and rise to challenges, but not have to wallow painfully about in the things that she just won’t need to worry with. If she is not to be a world class chemist, don’t beat her over the head with the periodic table chart. Figure out who she is just before she does, so I can help her get from here to there. Let her be her, not a take 2 on me. In other words, be perfect. A perfect mother, teacher and career counselor and friend. Yeah. Perfection. That’ll work. And afterall, what’s so hard about that?
