It’s a gas
The fart machine that has taken residence in our home (thanks Dad) is completely unnecessary. Between 3 boys (1 man in there, debatable), and 1 uninhibited girl, we have plenty of these, for real, with noxious fumes, to experience. I, of course, do not “pass gas”. I am a “southern gal”, who, thanks to my southern Mama, has been taught ultimate sphincter control. Some would say it is healthy to let it go, I say, tighten those muscles. No need to let it rip, if you can reabsorb, up to the esophagus if necessary. It may even help your abs.
Our youngest loves to leave his mark in any room he’s been in. He’s downright proud. The room takes on something foul that would scare man or beast. Try as we might, he insists on giggling, and announcing after the fact, when we’re wilting. He will not slip out of the room to save our nose hairs. It seems to be one of his strengths, his farts, but I’m not sure how to channel this in his education.
Our middle child, a girl, let’s’em go with no reserve. She won’t even wear panties if I don’t make her, even in a dress. If someone starts to faint, she shyly admits, and apologizes. At least that.
Our oldest. He’s entered the wild world of denial. It is never his fault. He’s not picking his nose, he’s scratching it. That rankness? Must be the dog. That stanky foot smell coming from his room? Has to be his little brother’s sandals. And, he doesn’t need a shower more than every 10 days, as apparently, he does not sweat. Therefore, he can wear that shirt for 4 days running. My mother-in-law warned me about this. Sure, she said at his birth, he’s so sweet now. But one day, that little head will stink. Not my baby, I thought, smothering his downy head in kisses. But dammit, he does. Sour, damp, moldy even. And he’s perfectly content to wallow in it.
So back to farting. I think my father gets perverse pleasure out of this. This insipid little machine has been hidden in my cabinets, behind my head, under the sofa cushion, in the laundry, the dishwasher, the dog food…and fought over, and over, and over. Seems everyone wants the priviledge of sounding off a fart. Something I don’t think I will ever understand. I mean, I have only recently admitted to actually ever having a bowel movement. My husband has thought I’d mastered the art of reabsorption. His favorite moment in our marriage was when I attempted to give birth to our daughter, and I pooed right there on the sheets. He could announce he knew, he knew, that I was human. I made poo. I acted like it never happened, and we didn’t discuss it for 5 years.
So anyway, after all this, I can only say again, thanks Dad. Our life is enriched in ways you cannot imagine. I’ll be hearing farts in my sleep, as well as the bickering to get the ability to make one. I know Mom is on my side. We’ll go down in sphincter-strength history. The last delusioned southern ladies on earth. I’m flexing right now.
(and Corndog, if you happen here, this is not a rip off, I’ve just gone undercover…ssshhhhh.)
That’s beyond funny - I can sympathize! Sometimes, I know they do it intentionally, just to have the room to themselves. At least my husband does. (See my post about it in February) No kids yet, but maybe soon. Thanks for visiting my site, and I’m glad there aren’t any hard feelings. Great post!
Comment by Erin S. — April 4, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
At least no one says, as QoS’s husband has taught her children, “Smell the love.” Ugh. If there is anyone with a Y chromosome in your household, you have no hope of maintaining decorum. My argument with Alex is, “Would you do that in an elevator full of strangers? No? Well don’t *I* rank the same respect you’d pay a STRANGER?” He just doesn’t see it that way. My beautiful, feminine 3 year old daughter let one rip the other day, and just laughed and said, “I think I tooted.” YOU THINK???? And when I told her it was an especially stinky one, she replied, “But it was a GOOD one.”
Heaven help me.
Comment by Belinda — April 5, 2006 @ 6:43 am
Oh, I thought of another Christian blogger you might enjoy (since I agreed with your earlier lamentation that blogs written by Christians seem to be on the, um, boring side: Sheryl at Paper Napkin is an amazing woman, and incredibly entertaining blogger. I see you already have Ellen in your links, and she’s from my state! Give Paper Napkin a try, www.papernapkin.typepad.com. And then there is the lovely Erin at Pupsickle.blogspot.com, and CeCe at cylonecece.blogspot.com.
Heck, I’m just thrilled when I can find one without foul language, and I don’t care that that makes me the squarest square on the block.
Comment by Belinda — April 5, 2006 @ 6:49 am